I Saw the SIGN and it Opened up My Eyes

The other day at work it dawned on me that I am fast approaching the one year anniversary of my hysterectomy and double mastectomy.   This time last year I dreamed of the day that those events would be in my rear view mirror; and they are- so far in the past that it seemed they took place a lifetime ago, to an entirely different person.  In many ways that is true, I guess.

When I made the decision to undergo BRCA testing and have the preventive surgeries, I thought for sure that it would go down in my history as the bravest thing I would ever do in my life.  I truly thank God for that experience, and the timing of it.  Not only was it a testament to strength and courage I was unaware that I had, but  it also happened at precisely the right time. Had I not started the process when I did, I honestly do not know if I would have been able to complete it in the foreseeable future, possibly leaving me vulnerable to getting very sick.

I have heard all my life that God's timing is perfect.  Truthfully, the statement always kind of bothered me.  In my mind, it was just an explanation as to why "our needs and wants" were not being met.  As with most things, I could not see the forest for the trees. Now, however, I am utterly grateful for His divine time line.

We have often talk in my Sunday school class how we wish God would show us the huge signs that He often showed the people in biblical times. "God, just toss a burning bush my way so I know what I'm doing here."  Steve, our teacher, has told us not to be afraid to ask God for clear specific signs.  While I have yet to get my burning bush, He has provided me with huge signs of His faithfulness and love.  When it became necessary for me to immediately get a full time job to support myself and children, God placed me in a position where I would have daily contact with breast cancer and ovarian cancer patients.  I did not look for a job that would directly coincide with my life's journey, but God apparently thought it would be a good thing.  He is clever that way.

So as I attempt to navigate through this completely unfamiliar and often frightening path that I now find myself on, I implore myself to remember that God is sitting beside me, smiling a knowing grin and lovingly urging me to just hang on to see what He has in store.

One Moment in Time

I'm sappy.  I freely admit it.  My sappiness and hopeless romanticism has left me vulnerable at times, but I refuse to make apologies for it.  I believe in love.  I believe in miracles.  I believe in second chances.  I don't want to become so jaded by life's events that I lose my sense of hope. 
Just give me one moment in time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b68AkJtjdPs

Plan B

  For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
                           Jeremiah 29:11

 The plan I had for my life was not the final plan.  I am learning a new normal and reluctantly saying goodbye to the dreams I once had.  I have trained myself in the past few months to not look at all that will not be realized and all that never was, because sometimes the reality is too overwhelming.  Instead, I focus on the moment to moment tasks of what must be done in order to survive on this new strange planet.  This is a place I never wanted to be; would have never chosen, but here I am.  And here I will survive.

My perspective has changed so much in the last few months.  What was "bad" before is merely laughable through these new eyes.  What was "impossible" before has now become just an obstacle.  At the end of the day, most of life's trials can be shelved until the next day.  Everything looks different in the light of morning.

I am surviving, and right now that is all I'm really attempting.  I am hopeful that one day, my life will be about more than survival.  I have all of the same dreams I always have had, but they are framed differently now.  Perhaps one day some of those dreams will be realized. Perhaps not.  I believe that the Lord has not brought me to this point to leave me.  He is here.  His plans for me are real and they are wonderful.