I have an affinity for anniversaries. Whether of beautiful occasions or of times of deep sorrow and suffering, I find myself often reflecting back on the person I was, the metamorphosis that occurred as a result of the event, and the person I have become and continue to become as a result. We are evolutionary, after all. We are who we are because of the lives that we live and how we absorb our experiences.
The benefit of anniversaries comes in being able to look back with a wider, more clear perspective of the person we were at that time that such an event took place. In the moment we are tunnel visioned on the event itself. We can see only what is before us. In joy, this is euphoric and intoxicating. In despair, however it is paralyzing. Knowing that life continues to roll on with all the good, bad and ugly is imperative and hopefully stabilizing.
As I approach the anniversary of a tremendous milestone in my life, I reflect on the person I was. I remember her through memories played in my mind like the cloudy, static reels of an old home movie. I remember the conversations I had with myself and the thoughts I consciously tried to block. I remember the fatalistic view I had of myself, yet the naivety I seemed to hold for the dangers in the misdeeds of others. I remember the exact moment when a new me was born.
All of these years later, that date still hits me like the wrecking ball that it was. The sadness I feel is not for who I am, but rather who I was. Tragedy of all kinds, does that; it brings new life through the death of an old one. Letting go of who we were to become who we are, is terrifying and uncharted.
Today, I embrace my nowness, knowing that at any time, a new reality may take over. I celebrate the randomness of life and the future anniversaries, both of joy and sorrow that are hiding around the corner. I honor the life experiences I have ridden through and continue to ride through as glorious shades on the color wheel of who I am. I am thankful for it all. I am not a victim in life, I am a product of living.
