12 Years and Counting

Today Tucker and I celebrate 12 years of marriage. I can't believe it has already been 12 years, and I can't believe it has only been 12 years.
When I was growing up I dated a lot. I'm sure to the outside world it seemed like I needed the attention of a boy to make me happy, but I think I really just craved companionship. Who doesn't? For the most part, the boys I dated in high school and college were really nice people who I have remained friends with. I was lucky. I had really good experiences as a young girl dipping her feet in the dating pool. I guess with that in mind, marrying at 20 doesn't seem so far-fetched!
I met Tucker when I was 18. I had just started going to the Abbey and had just broken up with a boy I had dated the prior year. Tucker was like no one I had ever met. He seemed like an old soul. I always got the feeling that he had a secret about the world that no one else knew. This attracted me and frightened me at the same time.
We had tried our hand at dating early on. It didn't work. I was still very much in that crazy, "Let's have fun" mindset. He was so very reserved. I dated other people from time to time, but he was always there in the background. Constant. He just was always there, waiting for me to need him. Need him I did. Time and time and time again. No matter where I had been or what I had gotten myself into, he was there.
After my first year in college I was in a devastating car accident. Everyone survived, but the ordeal was so traumatic. As I lay in the hospital alone and scared, all I could think of was Tucker, my friend. I needed him. When I was finally flown home, I called him immediately. Within days, he had left his home in Georgia and drove to me in North Carolina to be by my side.
As we sat and talked I fell in love, a love that I had never felt for anyone before. It was a calm love, a peaceful love, a safe love. I was hesitant to share this realization with him, but eventually I did. Over the next few months our friendship turned into a romance, and we were engaged less than 4 months later. People ask how long we dated before we got engaged, and we always tell them we never really did. We just went from friendship to marriage in one fell swoop.
So when I say I married my best friend, I really mean it. Before anything, there was friendship and throughout all of the trials of 12 years of marriage, there has always been friendship.
So I guess I am still that same girl who wants companionship. The only difference now is that I have it. I am now and will forever be linked with the man who knows me better than I know myself, and loves me anyway.

Where Does the Time Go?

"Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives." (Cue the music)
I just got done talking to my friend Tom. His little girl and Charlie have been together in preschool since the beginning of time. I have watched his tiny, little girl, grow up into a feisty, vivacious, and opinionated little person. He has watched my little guy as he has broken each arm, and still somehow managed to survive. We are a close-knit family at our preschool. We love one another's kids, and we relish in the fact that everything has been the same, year after year.
Tom was talking about how he hates how "official" kindergarten sounds. Say it...KINDERGARTEN...doesn't it just send chills up your spine? Next year our little ones will fly from their cozy nests where they have been for so long together and find new nests, all over, away from all that is familiar. (...momentary pause due to hyperventilating) No longer will I be able to count on this family to watch after my boy when I can not. I will not be able to see the sweet and funny little changes in my friends' children as they grow day to day. They will see each other again, I'm sure, but the safe little cocoon will no longer be.
How does this happen? I just delivered Charlie yesterday. I remember as clear as day. (How could I forget, Tucker just about delivered him!!) He was the little boy we were sure would never be given my family's female-dominated gene pool. He just learned to walk, he just learned to go potty, he was just a baby a second ago. Now, all of a sudden, without my knowledge or permission, someone took my little boy and forced him to grow up, and now they are going to throw him in the bureaucratic world that is kindergarten. NO!!!
....I digress. This cocoon, this family that Charlie has known for so many years is exactly what he needed to be able to take this step. He feels safe and secure enough to be able to step out and test the waters. What he learned at preschool far surpasses the ABCs and 1,2,3s. He gained the sense of self he needs to move on and fly to that next nest. I know the transition would not be as seamless had he not had such a warm and loving environment to pave the way.
Charlie will be fine. Tom's little girl will be fine. All of the little kids they have grown up with will be just fine, too. Of this I am convinced. Now us, the mommies and the daddies, I'm not so sure of.

Jenny-any-Dots Fluffy Gumby Hearn

I grew up with cats. Lots of cats. We always joked that we were the crazy cat family. I always felt a somewhat spiritual connection to them. They always seemed to really know when I needed a friend, and they would always come. After Tuck and I were married, and began spitting the kids out, we adopted two dogs. He grew up with dogs and was convinced they were the superior species and would make better pets for the family. I loved my dogs, but something was missing.
Our first Thanksgiving in Georgia, our dear friends, Jim and Janet came down to celebrate with us. They were leaving Saturday afternoon, but Janet and I still managed to squeeze out of the house in the morning for a little girl time. We were mostly window shopping when we happened upon a sidewalk adoption set up in front of the Petsmart. Being animal lovers, we had no choice but to stop!! I was immediatley drawn to a cage of tiny little gray and white fluff balls. Janet, who has always been the voice of reason in my head, was giving me that, "Don't you even think about it" look. My sanity snapped. I was smitten. I looked up at my friend (who at this point was standing over me rolling her eyes) and told her I was not leaving without one of these kitties. In a moment that I accepted as total approval on her part, (although I"m sure she would disagree) she said, "Get the one with the polka dots. That one's cute."
What comes next is iconic folklore in our family. I walk in the door with my new little baby, (while Janet is mumbling something to the affect of being murdered by my husband) and Tucker asks why Janet got a cat. When he realized the fast one his wife had pulled on him, he was not happy to say the least. By the end of the evening though, Tucker had fallen in love. However, my theory has always been that he bonded with her when he named her Jenny-any-Dots, after the T.S. Elliot poem and CATS song by the same name.
So, thus is the tale of my sweet Jenny. She is still my heart and soul after all these years. I love my children, and I love my husband, by my Jenny...there just is no one in the world who could ever fill her furry, little shoes. She waits for me at the window every afternoon for my car to pull in from work. She meets me at the door. When I'm tired she curls right up to me. She sits on the edge of the tub while I soak. She is always there when I need her. I have even been able to develop a language that she responds to. (now I sound nuts) If I'm lying in bed and she is not there, I will meow a few times and she comes running.
Today at work I was telling a co worker about a design idea I had for my bedroom, based on the color pallette in Jenny's fur. My friend just looked at me like I was crazy. I really think I may be.
I'm just so thankful to have such a sweet and loyal friend in my life.
There is so much to celebrate in the simplest of blessings.

Friends Forever

I have four children. Everyone who knows me, knows I'm that lady with the four kids. When we descend upon a grocery store or a public event, the world seems to know it. That being said, I have 4 of the most well behaved children I know. (and in my line of work I know A LOT of children!!) But still, no matter how good they can be, there is still four of them, and I often get those "haven't you figured out where they come from yet?" comments.
I really enjoy being a mom. It is the best thing I have ever done, although I have had some challenges as of late. Apparently, having 4 kids, fairly spaced out in age, presents unique challenges. For example, the 11 year old is on her cell phone, conducting very important business, while in the background the 1 year old is asking for a clean diaper. Alternate universes. It can be a lot to handle.
So, as I try to do in everything, I look for that proverbial silver lining; the nugget of inspiration and hope to carry me through.
All of us went to a party tonight for one of Patch's little school buddies. It was an outdoor party, and the kids spent 2 hours running around in the Georgia heat, and loving every moment. By the time we packed up to leave, our little Patchy had really begun to melt down from exhaustion. His daddy was holding him and talking so sweetly to him, yet all he would cry out for was "Lou Lou." (his name for his sister, Elizabeth) The 8 year old did what neither Daddy or Mommy was capable of at the time, and calmed him down and comforted him as we got in the car and drove home. Once home, and clean, my daughter and my son, snuggled up and fell asleep. Together. All is right with the world.
So, yes, being the mom of 4 is hairy at times. I get frustrated and overwhelmed and feel under appreciated. But tonight I was reminded what an awesome gift God has given me and my husband and children. We have the gift of each other. My kids will ALWAYS have their siblings. When Tucker and I are old, and go crazy, as is inevitable, I'm beginning to believe, they will have each other to lean on. We have each other to learn from, and to grow from- to play with and to spat with. We enhance each other's lives.
Whether it is just a much needed bedtime snuggle, or a personal crisis, we are friends in the truest form-forever.

Fate vs. Faith

My husband is really fond of saying, "Life can only ever have happened the way it happened."

We got married at 20 and 21 years of age. Young and stupid. We were from different areas, had different interests, and neither of us truly had a clue about what life was about. We became trusted friends, became pregnant and then married. Not exactly the preferable sequence of events, but again, we were really too young to realize how scary a situation we had found ourselves in.
We had our first child, Emily, and neither of us had graduated college. Tucker worked days as a technical writer and nights finishing his triple degrees. Emily and I had fun. As I watched her grow, she forced me to do the same.
Without knowing it, Tucker and I were growing up together; making the same mistakes that all 20 somethings make, but doing it married with a child. It must have been fate. Or was it?
When I became pregnant with our second child, I was given a 50% chance of miscarriage due to complications. I was put on bed rest and lived in fear that I would sneeze and lose my baby. Elizabeth was very sick as an infant and required almost constant holding, but my baby had made it! It must have been fate!
And the years went on. We grew together and grew apart at least a million times. We decided to move to Georgia about 5 years into our marriage for a "change of pace." We handled our move much as we had handled the rest of our lives. With eyes shut, jumping head first! Tucker got a great job, I got settled with the girls, and we began a new chapter. It must have been fate.
Our first son was born in 2004. He was the first child I breastfed any longer than 2 weeks. I spent many hours holding, feeding and gazing down at my newborn son. During our marathon feedings, I could tell he could not see me. Charlie was completely blind. When he was 8 weeks old he was diagnosed with Delayed Visual Maturation, a condition in which the baby's vision did not develop as it was suppose to in utero, but would continue to improve outside the womb. After almost twice monthly trips to the doctor, when he was 6 months old his vision test was normal. It must have been fate.
I have at least a thousand of theses stories. Stories where Tucker and I think about how our lives would be different if...What if he never came to college in North Carolina, What if we hadn't gotten pregnant so young, What if we didn't somehow make our meager earnings work... What if, what if, what if?

Life can ONLY ever happen the way it happened.

It's fate.

Or, is it faith?

Before I was born, God knew I would meet Tucker. He knew we would get pregnant and be married too young. He knew the struggles we would have with each other and the struggles we would have with our children. He knew everything.
This is not to say, it was fate that made these things happen. I made my choices through free will, as everyone does. But there is only one way life can happen, and that is the way that it happens. God has a watchful eye over everything we do, and He makes sure we have the tools to handle the outcomes. No matter what mistakes we make in our lives, we are never left alone to sort them out ourselves.
I have faith that my life is in the hands of God. I have faith that when I completely run things a muck, my Lord will be there to help bail me out as He has done countless times before. I have faith that God holds all of the answers to all of the questions, and all I have to do is seek Him, and I will know the answers, too.
There is no fate. There is only faith. Faith in God to see us through.

Motherly Love

The day I became a mother for the first time, my life changed forever--drastically. I had been a very self-absorbed teenager with no desire to make a responsible decision. But on November 15, 1997 my life really began. I learned what true love really is. I discovered that perhaps the purpose of my life had more to do with others than myself. I was overwhelmed that day, and have been ever since. The love I feel for my children is immense. I make sure I tell them every day. The thought of them ever "wondering" if Mommy truly loves them, is terrifying to me. When one of them hurts in anyway, I, too, hurt.
As much as I would love to believe the bond I have with my children is unique only to us, I know that that is far from true. In fact, I am so reassured to know that there are so many of these strong mother-child relationships in a world that can sometimes be hopelessly lonely. I was so touched during a recent trip to the zoo, when I had the opportunity to witness one such relationship up close.
It wasn't a mother attentively walking her children around, explaining to them the habitats and behaviors of the different species. I was captivated by the palpable love of a mother ape and her child. In the arms of it's mother, that baby was safe and comforted. In that warm embrace, the baby knew that Momma would never let him down. The mother in turn, could never have been more content, for with her, she had her life source; the love of her child.

Locks of Love

My greatest hope for my future, is that when my children are grown I can know that they are "good people." I know that is an incredibly vague statement, but it is truly my most chief dream. I know that if a person is good at their core, and they know that about themselves, so many other things fall into place. It is a lesson that as an adult I am still learning.
Everyday I hope that some tiny little piece of wisdom or hug or realization will enter their impressionable little minds to contribute to their "goodness." With this in mind, I know and accept that flaws are necessary and to be expected. I just want my little ones to grow into the best people they can be-- whatever that may mean for each of them.
I got perhaps a glimpse of some of that character building this past February, when 11 year old Emily cut 11 1/2 inches of her prized golden hair to be donated to children who for one reason or another lost their own hair. It was a goal she had had in mind for some time, although she was becoming increasingly attached to life as a spunky tween with long blond hair. I was beginning to wonder if she would ever be able to part with it!!
Sure enough, she went through with it. The pride she had in herself for following through in her years-long plan, flooded my heart. I saw what I hope was one in a long line of selfless acts that one of my children does for another. Because of my Emily, another child's life will be a little less difficult.