When I Grow Up...I Don't Want to be a Grown -Up

At 33 years old, I do not feel like I have figured out what I want to do when I grow up. I have been teaching early childhood classes at one place or another since college, but that was a pure accident and never want I intended to do with my life. I enjoy my job most days, but I do not believe it is where I belong for the long haul.
Then there is my new found talent in the cookie business. Again, I stumbled into it, and although it is fun, I don't think I could ever support myself let alone a family baking.
Over the years I have had thoughts of becoming a nurse, but the thought of going back to school terrifies me. Tucker and I used to dream of opening a small cafe specializing in fine foods, but you know, there is the lack of start up capital not to mention fear of losing financial stability. So on I dream and wonder and think...What am I going to do when I grow up?
I know I shouldn't let fear prevent me from going after something, but I really am not even sure what I WANT to do with my life. The goal of my lifetime has been achieved in the birth of my children, but there will come a time when they will fill up fewer hours in my day, and it will be up to me to decide where to go next.
These thoughts bother me a great deal. The uncertainty makes me feel unsettled and anxious. At times, I push them far to the back of my mind and decide that maybe I just won't be a grown-up.
I guess this is where I need to let God take control. He has taken care of me thus far, so there is no reason to believe I'll be let down. It is a hard thing to do to just ride the waves of life to see where they will take you, but I know under his orchestration, experiences and opportunities that I could have never dreamed up will come to me.
Right now I still have a baby at home. I intend to give him the same access to me that the others had. When the time comes for me to find a new path I'll just have to keep my eyes on the light that God is shining down pointing me in the right direction.

Tinkle...uhh, no thanks...I'm good...

I have never fancied myself a "dog person." I grew up with cats and I really relate to their laid back lifestyles. Tucker on the other hand always had a houseful of dogs running around. People are generally one or the other; cat people or dog people- so I thought.
Before Godiva died, I was convinced that when she and Arthur went to the great Puppy Heaven in the Sky, I would NEVER have dogs again. I loved them but they were high-strung, high-energy smelly creatures. I was looking forward to the peaceful relaxing life of kitty calmness.
When Godiva died so suddenly everything in my heart changed. It wasn't any longer about the chaos, it was about the loss of a friend- for my children, for Arthur AND for me. Suddenly, I went into overdrive to protect the dog we had left. Arthur got brushed every night, began wearing cute sweaters, and was constantly in my lap. His depression over the loss of Godiva was so obvious and disheartening. He no longer wanted to play or eat. Arthur was dying before my eyes. He could not go on without his best friend. My heart was breaking.
I began to question whether Arthur needed a new friend to help ease his pain. Tucker, who is the consummate dog lover, assured me Arthur would be fine, and in time he would recover from the shock of Diva's loss. Time went on and his depression only seemed to intensify, until one day my father in law brought his brand new puppy over for a visit. Arthur perked up and immediately began to "mother" the new baby. I'm sure at that time Tucker knew he had lost the new dog battle with me, but I continued to play the "let's wait and see game."
I began researching on-line various pet rescues in the area. I looked quite extensively at the local Humane Society's page. I knew I wanted another small dog for Arthur, but the only one I really saw was a funny looking white scruffy thing with dark black circles for eyes. Her name was "Tinkle." Not a good omen for house breaking. I emailed the office of the Humane Society asking to be on the look out for a compatible friend for Arthur and decided to back off. The next day I got a call from a woman at the office saying she had quite possibly a very good match for my boy; a little white poodle named...wait for it, wait for it...TINKLE!! Oye vey!
Despite my misgivings over "Tinkle" I decided to bring in Arthur for a visit to see if Tinkle, or hopefully another dog would be a good match for him.
Arthur was so nervous. By now he had gotten quite skinny and feeble looking. The barks of the other dogs scared him so I ended up holding him. We were put in a room where we could spend some quiet time with "Tinkle." That crazy dog, who was probably part poodle but a whole lot of who knows what, was shaved almost completely bare, had a hairless curly rat tail, and kept peeing on the floor in front of us. The lady at the shelter explained that when she was found, her hair was so badly matted and overgrown that they had to shave her all the way down. She assured me that in time Tinkle would be beautiful. "Ummmm, yah, ok...whatever. Let's look at some other dogs."
So we walked around and saw some beautiful animals. I was shocked that THESE were shelter animals. They were the kind of animals people pay top dollar for. But I kept having a nagging pull back to that ratty little Tinkle. Damn you, conscience! I watched as she watched out her little window at us. Scratching the glass as if to say, "hey, where are you going? What about me?" uggh. Catholic guilt. It doesn't matter that I left the church, I kept the guilt.
We filled out the paperwork to adopt Tinkle. Consequently, I was told her name had only been Tinkle for the week and half since she had been in the shelter so I was free to change it if I would like. Well, that was certainly something.
I paid an enormous adoption fee, which eventually caused me to be overdrawn. *The first time in my adult life I have bounced a check and it was for TINKLE!!* What the hell!
Fast forward two months. "Lida Rose" (I always wanted a daughter by that name) is so amazing. She and Arthur have healed each other's heartaches. She has brought a wonderful energy into our lives. Her transition has been seamless. And yes, she has grown hair on her naked little rat tail, and no, she does not "tinkle" in the house.
So I guess I am a dog person after all, but I am also a cat person. I am so blessed to have these furry angels in my life. I really believe God or perhaps Godiva, (possibly both) had a hand/paw in placing Lida in our lives. Really, all bets were against her yet here she is. It sure is crazy how little control we have in our own lives!

Snowy Blessings

I am such a homebody. I could be perfectly happy to stay in my cozy, little world for the rest of my days without ever venturing beyond the outer limits. But with the entirety of my family being outside of my immediate area, travel is necessary from time to time. Because the school system is so graciously furloughing my husbands work days, we had a block of days off in mid-February that we used to travel to North Carolina to see my family. (Well, really my nieces, but the rest of the family too!)
Imagine our surprised when we were blessed with a beautiful snow fall!! Not only did the kids get to enjoy rarely seen snow, but they were able to do so in the company of their cousins!! The 6 kids looked out the window Friday night as the snow fell, anxiously waiting for their time in the white stuff. When the morning finally came around my sister, Beth, had to scrounge around the house for enough boots, mittens and the like for all of the children. (as well as her ill-prepared sister!!)
Together the six kids made snow angels, and ran around in a flurry of activity. In quieter moments they all sampled the deliciousness of the cold treat.
Snow for a child, in any circumstance, is such a blessing and whirlwind of excitement, but for "the cousins" it was made doubly so, because they were able to enjoy it together. It really went along way to remove the sting of traveling for me!

Identity Crisis

Apparently Jenny is having a bit of an identity crisis and thinks she's a chicken. I'm just sayin'...

Forgive us our trespasses...

I have "issues." My mother in law always used to smirk when I used the term "issues", but it is such an encapsulating word. Issues. And no doubt, issues would not be issues if you could easily resolve them, tie them up in a pretty box and admire them on a shelf.
Although, I often fall short, I try earnestly to be just and good. I try to offer people the benefit of the doubt and be open minded. I believe in God and I believe that we all need to come as close to showering others with the kind of love He unconditionally shows us. Not always easy, but certainly a necessary practice.
There is a person in my life who I have struggled with since the inception of our relationship. For a long time it was a mutually volatile relationship, although I have found myself in recent years, being more able to control myself in the presence of the hostility that surrounds us. I desire nothing more than a close and loving relationship with this person, but for so many reasons it has not been achieved.
I spend so much time analyzing my role and how I can make things better. I go over and over in my heart and mind to find a solution. I have tried every approach, yet at the end of the day, I feel like I will never be worthy in the eyes of this dear person. I vacillate between extreme anger and sadness until I force myself to take a break from the entire situation. It truly is exhausting to feel so utterly unworthy in the eyes of another.
Last Sunday, during morning worship, I was reciting the Lord's prayer as I have done nearly every day of my life. Suddenly, I felt as though a lighting bolt hit my spine. "Forgive us OUR trespasses, as WE forgive those who trespass against US."
What I was asking from the Lord was to forgive me all of my wrongdoings as I, myself have done for others. But, is it a truly forgiving heart that constantly questions why the heart of another is falling short? If I am to forgive, I believe I first must accept this person as they are. Is that not what we are asking of Christ every time we recite the Lord's prayer? Imperfect we are, but loved just the very same.

Human condition will not allow me to walk through the remainder of my years unhurt by the words and actions of other people, but my prayer is that God's grace will allow it not to be my focus.

Doing our Jobs

In Mitch Ablom's Book Five People You Meet In Heaven, he talks about how children are like glass balls. We, as parents, must handle these balls with all the care possible. Some parents may smudge the glass a bit, but leave it translucent and intact. However other parents, are careless and irreparably damage the once beautiful glass until it is no longer recognizeable as what it once was. Of all of the things I have read in my life, this passage is one of the very most memorable to me.
Every person on this earth starts out the same; as little, tiny babies, innocent and new. Somewhere along the way of life, these babies grow and change. They become less innocent, less "cute," and less easy to forgive. They become REAL people.
I have been in the "children business" for the entirety of my adult life. Not only have I been raising my own, but I have been a part of hundreds of children's lives. I have seen the glass ball metaphor play out in so many ways. It is truly humbling that the behavior of adults has such an enormous impact not only behavior of children, but also who those children turn out to be. Humbling and scary.
Even Ablom attests to the fact that all of us have a certain amount of damage on our glass. It is impossible, regardless of how well intentioned a parent is, to be raised flawlessly and without being negatively impacted in some way. All of us have "our issues." As children, we all have experienced our own balls "being scuffed" a little. As parents, as painful as it is to admit, we all have at one time or another made a mistake (or intentionally did something) that left a mark on a child's glass. It is inevitable. We are human and it is impossible for anyone to grow up completely unscathed. But for most of us we see our mistakes as opportunities and warnings from God to turn things around. These are our children. It is our job to raise them to be the best people they can be, and to lift them up with love.
I have seen far too many times, that the desperate and overflowing outpouring of love one has for their children seems to dry up as that child leaves infancy. Mom starts speaking in a harsher tone, and always seems inconvienced. Dad is too busy and thinks his kid is uncool. The newness of the child has worn off and now they are stuck with this kid. I am not speaking of abuse or neglect. Really it is about simple and basic respect. God gave us these children. We need to show love and respect to our kids at all times. We do not get a pass if we have had a bad day or our child is getting on our nerves.
It always seems that the very people who need to worry about negatively affecting their children are the ones who either don't have a clue or a care. The result is often the very sad writing on the wall of a two or three year old child. It is so heartbreaking and tragic.
We are their parents, folks. We need to do the absolute best job we can with these kids. They are not just possessions we acquired when it was envouge to start procreating. Their lives now will have impacts on generations to come. We can not take this job lightly. These children need our unconditional love.
As I climb down from my soapbox I want reitterate that I am speaking of love. pure love. This is not about showering your child with expensive clothes and toys. We all need to spend some time inside the minds and hearts of our kids to find out what they really need. Most of the time the answer is simple. They just need us.

Happy New Year!!

After an wonderful Christmas break, (the best I can ever remember, actually)Tucker and I were looking forward to celebrating New Year's Eve with the kids in our traditional Hearn way.-- snacks and tv until the "moment of truth," then kisses for everyone and bed.
Last night, the mere thought of the kids being able to stay up until midnight gave them more than excitement than they could handle. Being able to eat snacks in the play room really pushed them into high gear!! While Tucker and I enjoyed 30 Rock reruns in the den, our 4 babies alternated between watching Teen Disney and playing in the playroom. At one point, my darling husband suggested we all play a board game together. Everyone readily agreed, but the game was short lived as every one's excitement and distraction got the better of them. (Secretly, I was a little overjoyed when the kids decided they'd rather go back and hang out in the playroom, and I got Tucker all to myself again!!) Poor, little Patch made it until about 10 before his baby timer was up. He wanted so much to stay up like the big kids, but he just couldn't make it and was just miserable trying. When I was carrying him back to his bed, he kept trying to demand that "Bubby" (aka Charlie) was a baby too, and thus needed to go to bed as well. Thankfully his new Spider Man sheets were on his bed, and he snuggled right in when he saw them.
As always, Tucker and I held each other as Dick Clark counted down to the New Year and kissed each other on the first moment of the New Year. We then went into the playroom and kissed the babies who remained awake, all of whom looked more than ready to go to bed themselves!!
Getting ready for bed, I was overwhelmed with all of the possibilities that await my family and I in the New Year. I can't begin to imagine what God has in store for us, but I know it is magnificent, as everything that He ever has a hand is! So, although I do not believe in New Year's Resolutions per se, (I think one should ALWAYS be willing to resolve to make their lives better no matter what time of year) I do pray that I am able to see the Lord in more of the details of my every day life and that I can share Him with others. I know that 2010, as every other year has been, is going to be a tremendous gift filled with unexpected blessings.