Faith is that which you know for certain to be true, though you have not seen it with your eyes.
For two years I have been told by many that I should write the story of my survival and testimony. My response has always been the same. I cannot write a story that I do not have an ending to. This thought was challenged this weekend during a chance encounter.
My path crossed with a missionary on Saturday. I had encountered this person briefly in the past and found them to have a gentle spirit and to be very easy to talk to. During our very brief conversation this weekend, they revealed to me, that it is among their goals to teach people to share their testimonies in one minute. I initially volunteered that I didn't believe my testimony was complete, as my story is still evolving. They responded with the assertion that there exists inside of us all a testimony that can be revealed in a minute. I laughed. "My" story could never be contained in such a time limit. Not knowing my history, the missionary very lovingly assured me that the crux of what was important could be said in a minute. I have since been haunted by the calm persistence in the words that I heard.
It occurred to me some time later that I had done just that, unknowingly. I had shared my "come to Jesus" moment in one minute, probably less, exactly one week prior to that day. It was a conversation I had never had with anyone before, but on that night, for some reason, I shared the exact moment in my life when God became real and not theory to me.
In less than one minute, I share with you today.
My life was changed in an instant by a telephone call. As I hung up the phone, I became paralyzed. A supernatural feeling of fear and anxiety washed over me to the point that I could not breathe or move my limbs. Every part of my mind and body was entrapped in the hell and I could not escape. I was terrified in a way that even now, looking back I can not imagine.
And then, at once, it happened. My heart was overcome by the most serene feeling of calm and comfort. Not through words, but through His peace, I was told to breathe, to move, and that everything would be okay. I was not alone and I would be guided and protected. So move I did, and have been doing since that day, under His guidance and protection, as promised.
And that is it. That is when I came to know; not to believe- but to know.
I know that my I am thriving as a result of God's work through me. In the moment I realized I had no control in my life, I surrendered myself to be an instrument in His hands. He has wielded me to do beautiful things and make glorious strides, and as a forever grateful child of His, I have availed myself to stretch further than I ever imagined I could. It is because of the peace He infused in my heart that afternoon, that I have discovered a joy within myself that I never knew existed.
The world is full of people who can reason and speculate away what I know to be true. My knowledge is not based upon scientific data or algorithms studied by geniuses. My assurance comes from a truth that was revealed out of sight, in a place where the answers are clear even if the mind cannot explain.
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
Monday, August 24, 2015
Still, I'll Choose to Love
It has taken me a lifetime to not make excuses for being authentically me. Through like minded souls, I have come to learn that what once I saw as a flaw, is truly a gift. Blessed to be taught by the hearts of others with similar philosophies, this is what I know:
We are the unabashed lovers.
When we walk through the threshold, it is obvious that our hearts proceed our bodies as introductions are made. We peer deep into others eyes searching for clues as to what makes our new friend beautiful. We have not been introduced to a stranger, for to us, the word does not exist. There is an unmade connection behind every face. This is a certainty.
We ask questions because we care. We want to know you and we want to love you. We see the finite world that exists and we believe that traveling it with you makes our world more intimate and beautiful. When you break, we too will break. When you succeed, we will rejoice with you.
We very seldom accept evil as a possibility and as a result often put ourselves in harms way. We are firm believers in the silver lining that shines through clouds and will crawl on our hands and knees through the mud to ensure that it is seen in all people. Sometimes it is found, quite often not. Tattered through the disappointment, we remain hopeful that perhaps, somehow we simply have missed the beauty and light that must exist even still. We are criticized unendlessly for wasting our time on ungiving spirits, yet we know, that it is those hearts that offer the greatest return to our own should they one day soften. So we remain.
We understand your warnings; we are not an ignorant tribe. We are led by our hearts, sometimes exclusively, rather than our minds. It is what makes us us. It is why we have glorious, life-long connections and why we are regularly tormented by those who have let us down. We recognize that there is another way, but it is this language where our fluency will flourish. We are not ridiculous or naive. We understand the risks. We always have. The potential return for ourselves and others on our investment is worth the gamble.
Yes, fiercely we will love. With every fiber of our humanity we will love. And we will be loved by many.
But on that day, (and these days will come as surely as the sun warms the earth) that we realize our hearts have been dismissed and disregarded, we will stand up as strongly and fiercely as we tried to love. We will gather our scuffed spirits and nurture all that has been damaged within us. Because we love, we love ourselves, too. And we will love again.
Do not look upon us with pity or with a need to counsel us into a thicker, more discriminating skin. Perhaps, we have been doing love right all along. With our final breaths, we will assuredly rest in the realized dream that we loved with our full hearts.
We are the unabashed lovers.
When we walk through the threshold, it is obvious that our hearts proceed our bodies as introductions are made. We peer deep into others eyes searching for clues as to what makes our new friend beautiful. We have not been introduced to a stranger, for to us, the word does not exist. There is an unmade connection behind every face. This is a certainty.
We ask questions because we care. We want to know you and we want to love you. We see the finite world that exists and we believe that traveling it with you makes our world more intimate and beautiful. When you break, we too will break. When you succeed, we will rejoice with you.
We very seldom accept evil as a possibility and as a result often put ourselves in harms way. We are firm believers in the silver lining that shines through clouds and will crawl on our hands and knees through the mud to ensure that it is seen in all people. Sometimes it is found, quite often not. Tattered through the disappointment, we remain hopeful that perhaps, somehow we simply have missed the beauty and light that must exist even still. We are criticized unendlessly for wasting our time on ungiving spirits, yet we know, that it is those hearts that offer the greatest return to our own should they one day soften. So we remain.
We understand your warnings; we are not an ignorant tribe. We are led by our hearts, sometimes exclusively, rather than our minds. It is what makes us us. It is why we have glorious, life-long connections and why we are regularly tormented by those who have let us down. We recognize that there is another way, but it is this language where our fluency will flourish. We are not ridiculous or naive. We understand the risks. We always have. The potential return for ourselves and others on our investment is worth the gamble.
Yes, fiercely we will love. With every fiber of our humanity we will love. And we will be loved by many.
But on that day, (and these days will come as surely as the sun warms the earth) that we realize our hearts have been dismissed and disregarded, we will stand up as strongly and fiercely as we tried to love. We will gather our scuffed spirits and nurture all that has been damaged within us. Because we love, we love ourselves, too. And we will love again.
Do not look upon us with pity or with a need to counsel us into a thicker, more discriminating skin. Perhaps, we have been doing love right all along. With our final breaths, we will assuredly rest in the realized dream that we loved with our full hearts.
Wednesday, August 5, 2015
Goodbye Yellow Brick Road
Goodbye Yellow Brick Road
An Open Letter to My Sisters in Blue
I do not believe in coincidence. I believe in purpose and the poetry that is life.
A little over two years ago, ladies, I was introduced to you- as a patient. I was facing what I was certain was going to be the most life defining moment I would ever encounter. As a patient, I was checked in by Toni, had my vitals taken by Sheryl, was consulted by Dr. Scarborough and Swan, sat in Jenny's office as she referred me to plastics and signed consents and went over pre-op with Kathy. I did what hundreds of our patients do every single week. But I was not any patient. I was me. I was scared and you showed me compassion and understanding. You coordinated my care with respect and love not because of who I was, but because of who YOU were; because that IS who you are.
Before my incisions had had time to heal, my world imploded and much deeper wounds were created. Suddenly, I was a single mother of 4 children with the responsibility of having to support myself and them with no job experience other than years as a preschool teacher. I was broken emotionally, I was weak physically and I had not a thing to offer you, but you you embraced me anyway. Because that is who YOU are.
Swan, you immediately recognized me as the patient who fell asleep in the exam room with my husband as we waited for you and Chuck to come into us. You recounted how badly you had felt for making us wait, but it had been a busy afternoon with many positive cases. I couldn't help but be at awe that you recalled with such detail an appointment that had happened months before; details that I had completely forgotten, until you reminded me.
Rachel, you were given the very unenviable task of training me. For what seemed like months, (I'm sure it was only a week or so) you patiently walked me through step by step every little nuance of the office. You shared with me the office dynamics and gave me heads up on the unspoken rules. I marveled at the grace you showed me and the strength that emanated from you as a mommy who had dealt with the pain of a seriously ill child.
Toni and Blanca, you tag teamed me with tough love, and I needed it. "Stay in your box." I will forever have the image of that sticky note stuck to the side of my computer in my mind. Indeed, important advice when working in the medical community, just as relevant in the rest of my life. I have used the metaphor time and again since that day.
Allison and Za, you were the sounding boards for the matters of my heart as I wound through the divorce process, struggled with raising my babies and began to date. My street cred was amped by Za as she gave me vocabulary lessons (I still have not recovered) and was offered the "Cone of Safety" by Allison. The words "no judgement" were uttered perhaps more than any other...well, and SABOTAGE.
Kathy and Roberta, I have required unending mothering over the past two years and you both have filled that role. As a 38 year old woman, I still crave a mother's hug and unfortunately need a mother's reprimand from time to time. It was with you that I felt most able to let the tears flow on the days I could no longer be strong, and with you I was reinforced and encouraged. Thank you.
Suzi, Lisa, Brandy, Sheryl, Kacie, Haley and April Showers,
I love you all. I love the laughs, the swirls in the chairs, the singing and dancing and the multiple blind date attempts that had me considering going into hiding. I love that you would chase me with post it notes and try and offer me free medical advice, solicited or otherwise. I love that every one of you have deep, personal experience with my bionic boobs and you never tired of examining, talking about them or advising me on how to handle those suckers- or maybe you did. Thanks for not letting on. The three of us appreciate your support greatly.
And of course the Vaginas, to include the entire Gyn/Onc team, First and for most, thank you for letting me refer to you as the Vaginas. I know it's unprofessional. I'm well aware. I can not help it. You are my people. I came to the office as a 36 year old, post menopausal, Brca 2 + woman who was living each day watching my beloved aunt die of ovarian cancer. You were my life line. You answered my persistent questions and invited me into your fold. You allowed me to participate in the work you do to raise awareness for Gyno cancers and allowed me to feel like I was honoring my aunts in doing so. Through you, I became more educated and passionate. Tara, you sought me out specifically when you knew I was concerned about a patient. That meant the world to me. Tricia, knee deep in charges, you danced with me in the front office. Nixie, thank you for always being concerned and interested. Renee and Jen, You both are angels in my eyes. For me and for countless other women and their families you have demystified cancer. What you two have is not something that could ever be taught in nursing or med school. I felt it as your friend and coworker, but your patients feel it every second of the day. Many of the ladies you see are in the fight of their lives, but because of you, they are blessed beyond measure. You are their light.
Yes, you are my Yellow Brick Road friends, as Dottie says. You have been people I have met along the way to help me on my journey back Home. I could not be more thankful for your beautiful spirits and the love and laughs we have shared. Thank you all. Until the next time, please dance in my absence.
Caroline
http://www.totallyfuzzy.net/ourtube/elton-john/goodbye-yellow-brick-road-video_caccdcf06.html
An Open Letter to My Sisters in Blue
I do not believe in coincidence. I believe in purpose and the poetry that is life.
A little over two years ago, ladies, I was introduced to you- as a patient. I was facing what I was certain was going to be the most life defining moment I would ever encounter. As a patient, I was checked in by Toni, had my vitals taken by Sheryl, was consulted by Dr. Scarborough and Swan, sat in Jenny's office as she referred me to plastics and signed consents and went over pre-op with Kathy. I did what hundreds of our patients do every single week. But I was not any patient. I was me. I was scared and you showed me compassion and understanding. You coordinated my care with respect and love not because of who I was, but because of who YOU were; because that IS who you are.
Before my incisions had had time to heal, my world imploded and much deeper wounds were created. Suddenly, I was a single mother of 4 children with the responsibility of having to support myself and them with no job experience other than years as a preschool teacher. I was broken emotionally, I was weak physically and I had not a thing to offer you, but you you embraced me anyway. Because that is who YOU are.
Swan, you immediately recognized me as the patient who fell asleep in the exam room with my husband as we waited for you and Chuck to come into us. You recounted how badly you had felt for making us wait, but it had been a busy afternoon with many positive cases. I couldn't help but be at awe that you recalled with such detail an appointment that had happened months before; details that I had completely forgotten, until you reminded me.
Rachel, you were given the very unenviable task of training me. For what seemed like months, (I'm sure it was only a week or so) you patiently walked me through step by step every little nuance of the office. You shared with me the office dynamics and gave me heads up on the unspoken rules. I marveled at the grace you showed me and the strength that emanated from you as a mommy who had dealt with the pain of a seriously ill child.
Toni and Blanca, you tag teamed me with tough love, and I needed it. "Stay in your box." I will forever have the image of that sticky note stuck to the side of my computer in my mind. Indeed, important advice when working in the medical community, just as relevant in the rest of my life. I have used the metaphor time and again since that day.
Allison and Za, you were the sounding boards for the matters of my heart as I wound through the divorce process, struggled with raising my babies and began to date. My street cred was amped by Za as she gave me vocabulary lessons (I still have not recovered) and was offered the "Cone of Safety" by Allison. The words "no judgement" were uttered perhaps more than any other...well, and SABOTAGE.
Kathy and Roberta, I have required unending mothering over the past two years and you both have filled that role. As a 38 year old woman, I still crave a mother's hug and unfortunately need a mother's reprimand from time to time. It was with you that I felt most able to let the tears flow on the days I could no longer be strong, and with you I was reinforced and encouraged. Thank you.
Suzi, Lisa, Brandy, Sheryl, Kacie, Haley and April Showers,
I love you all. I love the laughs, the swirls in the chairs, the singing and dancing and the multiple blind date attempts that had me considering going into hiding. I love that you would chase me with post it notes and try and offer me free medical advice, solicited or otherwise. I love that every one of you have deep, personal experience with my bionic boobs and you never tired of examining, talking about them or advising me on how to handle those suckers- or maybe you did. Thanks for not letting on. The three of us appreciate your support greatly.
And of course the Vaginas, to include the entire Gyn/Onc team, First and for most, thank you for letting me refer to you as the Vaginas. I know it's unprofessional. I'm well aware. I can not help it. You are my people. I came to the office as a 36 year old, post menopausal, Brca 2 + woman who was living each day watching my beloved aunt die of ovarian cancer. You were my life line. You answered my persistent questions and invited me into your fold. You allowed me to participate in the work you do to raise awareness for Gyno cancers and allowed me to feel like I was honoring my aunts in doing so. Through you, I became more educated and passionate. Tara, you sought me out specifically when you knew I was concerned about a patient. That meant the world to me. Tricia, knee deep in charges, you danced with me in the front office. Nixie, thank you for always being concerned and interested. Renee and Jen, You both are angels in my eyes. For me and for countless other women and their families you have demystified cancer. What you two have is not something that could ever be taught in nursing or med school. I felt it as your friend and coworker, but your patients feel it every second of the day. Many of the ladies you see are in the fight of their lives, but because of you, they are blessed beyond measure. You are their light.
Yes, you are my Yellow Brick Road friends, as Dottie says. You have been people I have met along the way to help me on my journey back Home. I could not be more thankful for your beautiful spirits and the love and laughs we have shared. Thank you all. Until the next time, please dance in my absence.
Caroline
http://www.totallyfuzzy.net/ourtube/elton-john/goodbye-yellow-brick-road-video_caccdcf06.html
Sunday, June 28, 2015
Light Up
I have a beautiful antique chandelier hanging over the table in my breakfast room. In a true reflection of the chaos that is often my life, I came home this evening to find five of the six bulbs in the fixture burnt out. The irony of course, was that I had just returned from the grocery store where I purchased light bulbs for various other lights in the home that were burnt out, not knowing that these bulbs also needed replacing. In a moment of minor desperation, I climbed onto the step ladder to search high above the refrigerator in the hopes that the Caroline of months past had the foresight to purchase extra bulbs for the chandelier during her last light bulb run.
She had.
Thank you, Past Caroline.
As the boys unloaded the groceries, I replaced the dead bulbs with their new illuminating counterparts. As I twisted each bulb into it's new home, the boys commented with increasing excitement what a difference each light brought to the room. Finally, six lights shone brightly and our home was aglow. My boys were ecstatic. Seriously. You would have thought they had been given a trip to Disney World. My initial reaction was cynicism. How sad is it that these little boys were overjoyed by fresh light bulbs? How desperate have our lives become that this is where they find happiness?
But then I saw the poetry in the moment; there was a lesson there-
We MUST search for the light, and when it is found, whether it is a sudden spark or a massive fire, we need to acknowledge that it is a gift. Our gratitude for such will only promote new light and opportunities to set the world ablaze. We ARE the light of the world.
There is an awful lot of darkness in our world, and it is human nature to obsess over it. It is easy to indulge in the loss we feel when the brokenness is so overwhelming. I have seen beautiful souls turn cold and unmoving by the most tremendous of losses, perhaps never to be rehabilitated to their previous splendor. It is a waste. There is too much beauty in our world to allow ourselves to be blinded in the darkness. We need to retrain our hearts to become giddy like a child over the light opposed to allowing ourselves to be swallowed by the black hole of disappointment and frustration.
There are blessings in every trial we face. We need only to claim them.
Do not allow Evil the opportunity to steal from you the light that exists there. Even the most heinous life events are not lived in vain when we allow ourselves to be bettered by them.
It was once said that the fall of a person is in direct correlation to the height of a monument that can be erected in the aftermath.
We were made to grow.
All life is dependent upon light for growth.
She had.
Thank you, Past Caroline.
As the boys unloaded the groceries, I replaced the dead bulbs with their new illuminating counterparts. As I twisted each bulb into it's new home, the boys commented with increasing excitement what a difference each light brought to the room. Finally, six lights shone brightly and our home was aglow. My boys were ecstatic. Seriously. You would have thought they had been given a trip to Disney World. My initial reaction was cynicism. How sad is it that these little boys were overjoyed by fresh light bulbs? How desperate have our lives become that this is where they find happiness?
But then I saw the poetry in the moment; there was a lesson there-
We MUST search for the light, and when it is found, whether it is a sudden spark or a massive fire, we need to acknowledge that it is a gift. Our gratitude for such will only promote new light and opportunities to set the world ablaze. We ARE the light of the world.
There is an awful lot of darkness in our world, and it is human nature to obsess over it. It is easy to indulge in the loss we feel when the brokenness is so overwhelming. I have seen beautiful souls turn cold and unmoving by the most tremendous of losses, perhaps never to be rehabilitated to their previous splendor. It is a waste. There is too much beauty in our world to allow ourselves to be blinded in the darkness. We need to retrain our hearts to become giddy like a child over the light opposed to allowing ourselves to be swallowed by the black hole of disappointment and frustration.
There are blessings in every trial we face. We need only to claim them.
Do not allow Evil the opportunity to steal from you the light that exists there. Even the most heinous life events are not lived in vain when we allow ourselves to be bettered by them.
It was once said that the fall of a person is in direct correlation to the height of a monument that can be erected in the aftermath.
We were made to grow.
All life is dependent upon light for growth.
Sunday, June 7, 2015
Sunday, May 31, 2015
Waking Up
Silly princess. Get it together, girl.
If only our awakenings could happen so seamlessly.
Life is not a fairy tale, it is a journey that cannot be taken while we sleep or be replaced by a kiss, however passionate.
In my darkest days; those moments when my eyes were first adjusting to the blaring light of the new day, I became fond of the song by Avicii entitled "Wake Me Up."
So wake me up when it's all over
When I'm wiser and I'm older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn't know I was lost
I knew in my trampled heart that I was lost and had been for an eternity. I knew that the only hope for myself and babies was to navigate through the torrential downpour- but I didn't want to. I was not excited about that challenges I faced nor the new opportunities that awaited me. In bed I would lay and dream that somehow I would awaken in the morning to a picture perfect and put together existence. The song is nothing more than a fairytale.
I am waking up. It has been terrifying and exhilarating.
I have been reintroduced to my soul. I have embraced and celebrated the beauty within my heart that I forgot existed, and I have critiqued and chided the ugliness that remains and must be rehabilitated. I am stepping cautiously onto unfamiliar soil, acknowledging my missteps and finding shelter in new surroundings.
I could not go back to sleep now if I tried.
The path to wherever it is that I am headed is frought with hazards and uncertainty, but the hidden treasures nestled beneath the rocks are all the reassurance I need to know that waking up and continuing on my journey, is absolutely the greatest gift that I can give myself.
Aurora, you were awaken by true love's kiss.
I have been awaken by truth.
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
You Don't Know You're Beautiful
I am sorry that you do not know.
You are beautiful.
No matter how shiny the wrapping or large the bow, when one receives a gift, they peel through the outer layer to see what is hidden inside. I evaluate the beauty of a person this very way. Truly.
I recently saw the lamentations of a friend discussing the unattainable goals of societal beauty. There I sat, with a road map of stretch marks spanning my belly, and a mop of frizz coiffing my head, knowing I am far from the social standards of beauty but feeling peaceful and beautiful in myself. I am not just the untamed mane or scars of skin stretched too fast during pregnancy. I am more than my uniquely Jewish nose, pink skin and crows feet. I am the gift inside the imperfect wrapping. I am a lifetime of brokenness and dreams. I am poetry and humor and song. I am compassion and knowledge and love. I am beautiful, as I am.
Inside every physical body is housed the character of the person who inhabits it. This character; this soul is where genuine beauty is found or lost. The ability one may possess to make another laugh with unbridled vigor is far more necessary to sustain attraction than is a set of perfectly straightened teeth. Youthful good looks and symmetrical features matter not in a person who proves themselves habitually to be unkind, disloyal and quick to anger.
It is my hope for you, my friend, that you see the beauty that others see in you. You are beautiful in your compassion for others, your impeccable comedic timing and the spirit in which you view the world. Your heart for the shared world lights up the wrapping that you are contained within.
Be so very confident in your beauty.
You are beautiful.
No matter how shiny the wrapping or large the bow, when one receives a gift, they peel through the outer layer to see what is hidden inside. I evaluate the beauty of a person this very way. Truly.
I recently saw the lamentations of a friend discussing the unattainable goals of societal beauty. There I sat, with a road map of stretch marks spanning my belly, and a mop of frizz coiffing my head, knowing I am far from the social standards of beauty but feeling peaceful and beautiful in myself. I am not just the untamed mane or scars of skin stretched too fast during pregnancy. I am more than my uniquely Jewish nose, pink skin and crows feet. I am the gift inside the imperfect wrapping. I am a lifetime of brokenness and dreams. I am poetry and humor and song. I am compassion and knowledge and love. I am beautiful, as I am.
Inside every physical body is housed the character of the person who inhabits it. This character; this soul is where genuine beauty is found or lost. The ability one may possess to make another laugh with unbridled vigor is far more necessary to sustain attraction than is a set of perfectly straightened teeth. Youthful good looks and symmetrical features matter not in a person who proves themselves habitually to be unkind, disloyal and quick to anger.
It is my hope for you, my friend, that you see the beauty that others see in you. You are beautiful in your compassion for others, your impeccable comedic timing and the spirit in which you view the world. Your heart for the shared world lights up the wrapping that you are contained within.
Be so very confident in your beauty.
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