My heart hurts. It hurts the way you feel after you find out a person who you really thought you knew, turns out to be someone entirely different. The worse part is that I AM that person I thought I knew.
I have always really taken issue with people who talk behind other people's backs. I subscribe to the "if you have something to say, say it to my face" theory. I work entirely with women, and over the years there has been lots of hurt feelings over things people have said; I, myself, feeling victimized by the shushes and whispers. I couldn't understand why anyone would ever be so cowardly as to not be upfront with another.
It seems, I have learned, that I am a talk the talker but not so much a walk the walker. (No pun was intended in that talk part) I really hurt someone's feelings today when she learned that I had criticized something she had done to other coworkers. Not only did my words wound her, but it made her doubt herself and her relationships with her coworkers. She was really hurt--and I was the reason. I certainly didn't want to hurt her, but I did the very thing I have railed against for years and really upset her. I consider this person a friend who I have a lot in common with, but I may have potentially ruined a friendship because I failed to meet my own standards.
I apologized to her, but it did not make her feel better. The damage had already been done. She was betrayed by a friend she thought she knew. I know how she feels, and it really sucks.
So, here I am. I am ashamed. I thought I knew myself better than this. I thought I was an upfront, say what's on my mind kinda person. I love deeply and I detest deeply but my feelings have always been out there for everyone to see. Apparently not. I really got a reality check today.
I am not the person I want to be and certainly not the person God wants me to be. I know who that person is, but I am far from her. I know I will be forgiven, even if my friend doesn't chose to forgive me. I know God will give me more chances to face temptation and reject it. I know there will be other times in my life where I will let myself and others down, but those times need not to be the legacy of who I am.
I have a very uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach knowing there is someone, whom I care for, right now hurting because of me. I wish I could run away from this feeling, but I can't. I can't erase my words or my actions so I guess I'll just have to move forward with this day behind me. I pray for the Holy Spirit's guidance through the day to day challenges that become a jungle near impossible to navigate through.
I SO didn't think I was THAT girl.
1 comment:
I believe even the best have slips of the tongue or gaps in good judgment. I think what separates you/me from being 'THAT' girl is that you feel bad, you have an 'uncomfortable feeling' in your core and a 'THAT' girl would not feel remorse, they would not admit guilt and apologize. They would rationalize with more wrongs and tongue lashing of others to pump themselves up. I know you are hurting from experience of being on both sides of a 'THAT' girl. I am sure you and your friend will heal with time, and from this experience I am sure you will be a better friend to all. Hang in there.
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