My Brain Hurts

It's relatively quiet here. I can hear the sound of kids playing in the playroom, the soft buzzing of the refrigerator and very little else. After a long day of child corralling, my body is tired and I am so thankful to have this moment of peaceful respite before the dryer buzzes, the dogs need to go out and the kids want to be fed. Ohm...ohm....ohm...
As much as my body relishes in the temporary inactivity my mind shudders in the near silence. I have never been the kind of person to be able to "clear my head." I admire people who can take a few deep breaths and go to their happy place. Not me. My mind jumps from list to list, worry to worry, chore to chore, fear to fear and so on. Never quiet. Constantly buzzing. The benefit of my line of work is that it doesn't really allow for mindless or otherwise daydream or really any reflection at all. We are on the move and alert from the moment we start the day until the last little kiddo gets picked up. Any pressing matters of the head or the heart must be pushed aside because little Ms. Priss poopied in her pants or little Mr. Tough Guy got his feeling hurt. I am not complaining. Although often exhausting, there is something to be said for being able to focus solely on a group of miniature people for awhile. They can be really entertaining!
Of course what tends to happen in my case, is a massive unloading of thought and emotion when the quiet replaces the chaos.
I am a freaker-outer. Always have been. I remember very clearly in high school taking my stereo into Service Merchandise for repairs. Apparently, I was convinced that whatever was wrong with it could not be fixed and I would be left without a stereo or a really big bill. Panic set in and overwhelmed me and I lost it. My boyfriend at the time, who NEVER lost his temper EVER, turned to me with somewhat of a fearful look in his eyes and yelled, "Quit FREAKING out!!" Over 15 years later and I can still see the look on his face. Somewhere between utter annoyance and unbridled fear. Hmmm, wonder why that one didn't stick around??

I have grown up in many ways since the "Day of the Great Stereo Freak-Out," but I am sad to say I still have a tendency to allow the most negative of possibilities fill my brain and convince me of impending doom. I over-analyze every nuance of every situation. I replay conversations in my head and I attempt to hypothesize the meaning of every expression. I am an over thinker in the worst way. I can over think until there is no possibility that an outcome could ever work in my favor. Surely, I convince myself, that all is black and white and I'm just doomed. Yeh, not good. It sucks to be me when I'm doing it, but sucks even more to be anywhere within a 15 mile radius of me when it is going on.

The last couple weeks have been a time of tremendous growth and redefinition in my life. I did not intend for it to happen, but like so much in this world, it was thrust upon me. I have done my share of freaking out. I have over analyzed and obsessed. I have studied and reexamined. I have thought and I have cried and I have freaked out some more.

And now I am done. No more freaking out for me, I have decided. I'm passing the torch on this one. Hear you go, I'm too tired, your turn. My brain hurts from thinking and my heart hurts from aching and I'm just gonna take it easy now, if you don't mind. It's funny, really. I always thought the obsessive reexamining was necessary in solving the problem. I think I am learning that it is yet just another barrier. I am looking forward to seeing only one set of footprints in the sand in the coming weeks, because I know I need the lift. I am so thankful that I have Someone willing to carry me the rest of the way.