What do you mean I'm OLD?

After a week of an absolutley wretched stomach virus, I have finally ventured outside on this beautiful, cool Georgia morning to watch Patch as he plays in the yard. As I settle myself down in a comfy porch chair, I ready myself for a few peaceful moments of clear thinking and quiet reflection. Ever the eager writer, I open my laptop to see what thoughts want to spill onto the screen as I'm enjoying the peacefulness of the birds chirpping.
And then it happens.
What the----???
OH MY GOD IN HEAVEN-
There, in my computer screen I see it. The face of my mother; not from a photo that had been previously downloaded. No, the image I saw before my eyes, was from my reflection on the screen staring back at me. My God. I have turned into my mother.

Okay, folks, nothing against my mom, because she is an attractive woman who on her worst day is still much more put together than I am on my best, BUT the fact remains that she is my MOTHER, and mothers by their very nature are OLD, which of course I most certainly am not, thank you very much.
I should have seen this coming, really. Over the past few years I have noticed the gray hairs becoming more dense, the wrinkles getting deeper and the pounds, well let's just say they seem to be sticking around these days. I have to face the facts. I'm not a kid anymore. (quick, resuscitation!! I think my heart just stopped!)
This past week we celebrated Tucker's birthday. I have been celebrating birthdays with him for a lifetime it seems, but it still was jarring to me that he was turning 35. We met as teenagers. I was under 100 pounds and had green hair. He was solid muscle and ran a bazillion miles a day. We both could eat Waffle House at 2 a.m. and then feel fine when we woke up five hours later. Our biggest fear in those days was that Tucker would be seen leaving my dorm too late at night by the Resident Director. The thought of that now is like a straight shot of prozac right to the soul! Oh, those were the days.
But, now, I am married to a 35 year old man and apparently he is married to my mother. Ouch.

We always thought we were "cool, young parents." We were; 13 years ago when we had Emily. But now we aren't cool or young. We are those people you see at the grocery store who are holding onto each other as they push their cart around, seemingly oblivious to the stragglers that are behind them whining and pushing one another.

I think the weirdest part for me is that I don't feel like "my mother." (whatever that feels like) I know Tucker doesn't feel like the ancient 35 year old that he has become either. Inside we are still the teenagers with the cute bodies and fast metabolisms.

I guess that is why it is so jarring to look in the mirror and see an "old" person looking back.

All You Need is Love

My kids have always had special "lovies" to comfort them.
Emily had Bobby and Barney. Bobby is the tattered remains of what used to be a beautiful white knit blanket, and of course Barney is, well, a Barney stuffed animal she got when she was very small. Her entire life she has hung onto Barney and Bobby as if they were her lifesavers, and one lovie is never far from the other.
Then came Lou. She was given a pig beanie baby from my brother when she was four months old. She was addicted to Piggie like nothing I have ever seen. She constantly toted that stinky piggie around with her and her "tough lovin" of him required many a snout and hoof replacement. It got to the point where her addiction to her Piggie became so severe we actually had to take him away. It seemed, as long as Piggie was in the general vicinity, Lou was reduced to nothing more than a comatose child; a mere vegetable. So in an effort to have her participate in the world, we had to send Piggie on a little trip, as we have told her. She has a few other favorites that keep her company, but thankfully no other creates such an intoxication as did Piggie.
When I was early pregnant with Charlie I attended a craft fair where I purchased a homemade baby quilt. I was attracted to the quilt because it incorporated a frog fabric within it, and Tucker's family has always likened him to a frog. (another story for another day) But the colors in the quilt were very untypical for a baby and certainly not baby girl colors. At the time, we had no idea what I was carrying, but took our chances. To this day, Charlie carries his Froggie Blanket with him from room to room as he plays. He must have been sending me telepathy through my womb that day telling me to buy it.
Patchy became attracted early on to a yellow waffle weave receiving blanket that I believe we got when Emily was born. He would clutch it in his tiny fists as a newborn and it became so clear early on that he loved it, that we went out and bought a duplicate. He received a stuff duck for Christmas one year that also has begun to join the ranks of ultimate loviehoood. So now a happy Patchy usually requires two "Yellows," as we so appropriately have named them, and a Duckie. Okay, I'm definitely noticing our lovie names are not creative in the least, oh well.

So we are a family that appreciates the need for lovies and realizes that sometimes nothing can fix a problem quite the way a designated lovie can. Imagine our surprise when we realized our sweet little Lida, too, had a special lovie. It became clear early on to the kids that any tiny stuffed animal was fair game for Lida. Lo' and behold she found "Baby." (I know, again with the creative names...) Baby is a small white stuffed puppy with brown ears. Baby originally came from a kids meal, as did the 2 other identical dogs that are somewhere in the house. But Lida has adopted this Baby as her very own. Oh, and believe me, she knows the difference between her Baby and one of the impostor Babies. She carries Baby in her mouth from room to room and gently and lovingly licks her clean. After she deems her sweet Baby is all clean, the two will curl up and fall asleep; Baby tucked safely underneath Lida's arm. If Arthur, or anyone else happens to find Baby and pick her up, Lida makes it very clear that Baby is for her only.
There is something very comforting as a mother, to know that your children (or puppies) feel such solace in these items. Sometimes I think if all of the world's leaders just had a really good blankie, then perhaps everyone would be a little better off.

I SO Didn't Think I was THAT Girl...

My heart hurts. It hurts the way you feel after you find out a person who you really thought you knew, turns out to be someone entirely different. The worse part is that I AM that person I thought I knew.
I have always really taken issue with people who talk behind other people's backs. I subscribe to the "if you have something to say, say it to my face" theory. I work entirely with women, and over the years there has been lots of hurt feelings over things people have said; I, myself, feeling victimized by the shushes and whispers. I couldn't understand why anyone would ever be so cowardly as to not be upfront with another.
It seems, I have learned, that I am a talk the talker but not so much a walk the walker. (No pun was intended in that talk part) I really hurt someone's feelings today when she learned that I had criticized something she had done to other coworkers. Not only did my words wound her, but it made her doubt herself and her relationships with her coworkers. She was really hurt--and I was the reason. I certainly didn't want to hurt her, but I did the very thing I have railed against for years and really upset her. I consider this person a friend who I have a lot in common with, but I may have potentially ruined a friendship because I failed to meet my own standards.
I apologized to her, but it did not make her feel better. The damage had already been done. She was betrayed by a friend she thought she knew. I know how she feels, and it really sucks.
So, here I am. I am ashamed. I thought I knew myself better than this. I thought I was an upfront, say what's on my mind kinda person. I love deeply and I detest deeply but my feelings have always been out there for everyone to see. Apparently not. I really got a reality check today.

I am not the person I want to be and certainly not the person God wants me to be. I know who that person is, but I am far from her. I know I will be forgiven, even if my friend doesn't chose to forgive me. I know God will give me more chances to face temptation and reject it. I know there will be other times in my life where I will let myself and others down, but those times need not to be the legacy of who I am.

I have a very uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach knowing there is someone, whom I care for, right now hurting because of me. I wish I could run away from this feeling, but I can't. I can't erase my words or my actions so I guess I'll just have to move forward with this day behind me. I pray for the Holy Spirit's guidance through the day to day challenges that become a jungle near impossible to navigate through.
I SO didn't think I was THAT girl.