Best Friends

I think the greatest gift that I have given my kids is the gift of each other. Emily is 3 1/2 years older than Lou. After almost 3 years, Charlie was born, and 3 1/2 years later came Patch. For 10 years I had babies. I always knew I wanted more than one child but how many and the time span in which they were to be born was something I just never really thought about. I just kinda "knew" when it was time to start trying for another. Thankfully, pregnancy came extremely quick for me. (although some might say too quick in the case of that first one. ahem.)
When we decided to try for a baby after Emily, I prayed she would have a sister. Of course, the visions of two beautiful girls dressed prissily in matching frocks polluted my mind, but my overwhelming desire was to "grow" a best friend for Emily. Tucker was of like mind, although everyone just assumed he wanted a boy. He still talks about how annoyed he was when people used to comment on how disappointed he must be that it was another girl! Emily loved her baby sister from the moment she found out she was on her way. Although they have the occasional sibling squabble, they truly are best friends. They are together most of the time and understand one another like no other.
When we decided to have our fourth, which literally was a split moment decision, I thought how fabulous it would be for Charlie to have what Lou and Em have! The girls loved Charlie, but it was undeniable the bond that they shared as sisters. Could having a brother be just as wonderful to my son? Ironically, we were told very early on in my fourth pregnancy that we were expecting a girl. We were happy, but disappointed Charlie would miss out on having a brother. (surely no more Hearnlets after 4!!) For weeks we referred to the baby growing inside me as Clara, and mentally prepared ourselves for little girl #3. However, during a routine ultrasound it was confirmed that this last little baby was in fact a boy! Our little girl had grown a winkie!!
Charlie and Patch are to each other what Lou and Em are. They understand one another in a way no one else does. They are "bubbies" and they are best friends. They have each other now and will forever.
I know I had no hand in my children's birth order, but I marvel at God's perfection. He gave my children each other in the most perfect ways imaginable. They are better people for having each other and I am so very thankful.

Laundry Love

When I was in my last trimester of pregnancy with Patch, I was very sick. It was initially very confusing to the doctors as to what was going on, and as a result I was misdiagnosed and mistreated for nearly a month. The result was several hospital stays and near confinement to my bedroom. I was so very scared for myself as well as for my little unborn baby.

During my illness, even the simplest of tasks felt impossible. I was unable to read a magazine, follow a television show or even take a shower without having Tucker close by. I was a wreck and I just kept getting worse.

Several weeks into my illness, Janet called to see how everything was going. Because she is six hours away and I had not felt well enough to call, she had been completely unaware of what was going on. Tucker filled her in the best he could with the information we had at the time. Anytime she called in the coming weeks, I was too ill to talk and the news was always worse than the time before.

After Patch was born, I received a correct diagnosis immediately by my general practitioner. Within a week or two I was beginning to recover and finally felt well enough to call my dear friend and fill her in on what I had been through the past couple of months. It was a tough conversation to have because the experience had been so painful. She listened as I cried my way from beginning to end., and then she said something that I have held close to my heart since that day. She had spoken of how she knew there was a problem when she had stopped hearing from me and how worried she had been. Then, one day she had a dream. She dreamt that I was sitting on the sofa and she came and dumped a load of freshly laundered towels, straight out of the dryer on me. She said when she awoke, she knew that I was going to be okay, because the feeling of fresh, warm laundry was such a good feeling.

I am not exactly sure why, but that imagery has meant so much to me since the day she shared it with me. It makes me feel loved and nurtured. It is such a simple image, but so comforting. I have called on that image several times in the last three and half years. Anytime I am feeling a little lonely or down or overwhelmed, I imagine my friend smiling at me and covering me with warm, soft laundry, and I can almost smell it in my mind. Instantly I am calmer.

Today, while pulling laundry out of the dryer, I was reminded of Janet and her love. Six hours away, but I felt as though she was in the room with me. And I smiled. I love her and I miss her, but there is always laundry.

All You Need is Love

My kids have always had special "lovies" to comfort them.
Emily had Bobby and Barney. Bobby is the tattered remains of what used to be a beautiful white knit blanket, and of course Barney is, well, a Barney stuffed animal she got when she was very small. Her entire life she has hung onto Barney and Bobby as if they were her lifesavers, and one lovie is never far from the other.
Then came Lou. She was given a pig beanie baby from my brother when she was four months old. She was addicted to Piggie like nothing I have ever seen. She constantly toted that stinky piggie around with her and her "tough lovin" of him required many a snout and hoof replacement. It got to the point where her addiction to her Piggie became so severe we actually had to take him away. It seemed, as long as Piggie was in the general vicinity, Lou was reduced to nothing more than a comatose child; a mere vegetable. So in an effort to have her participate in the world, we had to send Piggie on a little trip, as we have told her. She has a few other favorites that keep her company, but thankfully no other creates such an intoxication as did Piggie.
When I was early pregnant with Charlie I attended a craft fair where I purchased a homemade baby quilt. I was attracted to the quilt because it incorporated a frog fabric within it, and Tucker's family has always likened him to a frog. (another story for another day) But the colors in the quilt were very untypical for a baby and certainly not baby girl colors. At the time, we had no idea what I was carrying, but took our chances. To this day, Charlie carries his Froggie Blanket with him from room to room as he plays. He must have been sending me telepathy through my womb that day telling me to buy it.
Patchy became attracted early on to a yellow waffle weave receiving blanket that I believe we got when Emily was born. He would clutch it in his tiny fists as a newborn and it became so clear early on that he loved it, that we went out and bought a duplicate. He received a stuff duck for Christmas one year that also has begun to join the ranks of ultimate loviehoood. So now a happy Patchy usually requires two "Yellows," as we so appropriately have named them, and a Duckie. Okay, I'm definitely noticing our lovie names are not creative in the least, oh well.

So we are a family that appreciates the need for lovies and realizes that sometimes nothing can fix a problem quite the way a designated lovie can. Imagine our surprise when we realized our sweet little Lida, too, had a special lovie. It became clear early on to the kids that any tiny stuffed animal was fair game for Lida. Lo' and behold she found "Baby." (I know, again with the creative names...) Baby is a small white stuffed puppy with brown ears. Baby originally came from a kids meal, as did the 2 other identical dogs that are somewhere in the house. But Lida has adopted this Baby as her very own. Oh, and believe me, she knows the difference between her Baby and one of the impostor Babies. She carries Baby in her mouth from room to room and gently and lovingly licks her clean. After she deems her sweet Baby is all clean, the two will curl up and fall asleep; Baby tucked safely underneath Lida's arm. If Arthur, or anyone else happens to find Baby and pick her up, Lida makes it very clear that Baby is for her only.
There is something very comforting as a mother, to know that your children (or puppies) feel such solace in these items. Sometimes I think if all of the world's leaders just had a really good blankie, then perhaps everyone would be a little better off.

My Sweet Tucker

I met Tucker another lifetime ago. Neither of us much resemble the people we were back then. If you could have searched the campus for two people who had the least amount in common, chances are you would have picked us. But, like some crazy magnetic force, we kept ending up together over and over again.
I was a party girl in those days. He was an overly serious 60 year old man trapped in a teenager's body. We both needed someone, and we were there for each other. I was convinced he was going to be my best friend for life but never anything more. He knew we would spend the rest of our lives together. I was in a serious accident the summer after we met, and from then on, I knew he was right. We belonged together. And from then on we have been; always together.
Tucker and I grew up together. We were mere babes when we married and neither one of us knew a thing. We had nothing, but we had each other. (and when there is nothing else, that is an awful lot)
I wish I can say the past 13 years have been one blessing after another, but that wouldn't be true. There has been a tremendous amount of heartache and regret. There were times when my words and actions devastated the man I love, and times when he acted like a stranger to me. Those moments were so very hard. Where do you go from there? As hard as those hurdles were they were so very necessary. One of the lessons of our Fireproof class was that the deeper one's marriage falls, the higher the possibility for it to be redeemed. I believe this is true with all of my heart. Had our struggles not been as fierce as they were, I'm sure our reward would never has been so wonderful.
Today I feel like Tucker has always been a part of me. We can flash each other a look and instantly know what the other is saying. There is a commonality we share between us, that could never be duplicated by anyone else. I spent the afternoon with him today, and I felt just like I did when I was 18 years old and holding his hand for the very first time. "Look at this wonderful guy I am with! Aren't I the luckiest girl in the world!" And he still makes me feel like that cute, little 18 year old!
God is not promising us easy marriages. He doesn't say that as long as you remain the same 2 people you were when you got married then all will be fine. You can not possibly grow without changing. The person you were the day you got married had not been subjected to the life experiences that came following your wedding day. People change. Those changes can be hard and so scary. You have to love your marriage and your God enough to love your spouse even when it feels impossible.
The many metamorphoses that Tucker and I have gone through in our marriage have not been easy in the least but with all my heart I thank the Lord that we went through them; that we loved God enough not to bail when it felt like the thing to do. I am so thankful for the husband I have, who I love more every moment of every day, all the while knowing that tough roads still await. I pray that God continues to bless us with His strength so that we can see each other through whatever comes our way.

12 Years and Counting

Today Tucker and I celebrate 12 years of marriage. I can't believe it has already been 12 years, and I can't believe it has only been 12 years.
When I was growing up I dated a lot. I'm sure to the outside world it seemed like I needed the attention of a boy to make me happy, but I think I really just craved companionship. Who doesn't? For the most part, the boys I dated in high school and college were really nice people who I have remained friends with. I was lucky. I had really good experiences as a young girl dipping her feet in the dating pool. I guess with that in mind, marrying at 20 doesn't seem so far-fetched!
I met Tucker when I was 18. I had just started going to the Abbey and had just broken up with a boy I had dated the prior year. Tucker was like no one I had ever met. He seemed like an old soul. I always got the feeling that he had a secret about the world that no one else knew. This attracted me and frightened me at the same time.
We had tried our hand at dating early on. It didn't work. I was still very much in that crazy, "Let's have fun" mindset. He was so very reserved. I dated other people from time to time, but he was always there in the background. Constant. He just was always there, waiting for me to need him. Need him I did. Time and time and time again. No matter where I had been or what I had gotten myself into, he was there.
After my first year in college I was in a devastating car accident. Everyone survived, but the ordeal was so traumatic. As I lay in the hospital alone and scared, all I could think of was Tucker, my friend. I needed him. When I was finally flown home, I called him immediately. Within days, he had left his home in Georgia and drove to me in North Carolina to be by my side.
As we sat and talked I fell in love, a love that I had never felt for anyone before. It was a calm love, a peaceful love, a safe love. I was hesitant to share this realization with him, but eventually I did. Over the next few months our friendship turned into a romance, and we were engaged less than 4 months later. People ask how long we dated before we got engaged, and we always tell them we never really did. We just went from friendship to marriage in one fell swoop.
So when I say I married my best friend, I really mean it. Before anything, there was friendship and throughout all of the trials of 12 years of marriage, there has always been friendship.
So I guess I am still that same girl who wants companionship. The only difference now is that I have it. I am now and will forever be linked with the man who knows me better than I know myself, and loves me anyway.

Motherly Love

The day I became a mother for the first time, my life changed forever--drastically. I had been a very self-absorbed teenager with no desire to make a responsible decision. But on November 15, 1997 my life really began. I learned what true love really is. I discovered that perhaps the purpose of my life had more to do with others than myself. I was overwhelmed that day, and have been ever since. The love I feel for my children is immense. I make sure I tell them every day. The thought of them ever "wondering" if Mommy truly loves them, is terrifying to me. When one of them hurts in anyway, I, too, hurt.
As much as I would love to believe the bond I have with my children is unique only to us, I know that that is far from true. In fact, I am so reassured to know that there are so many of these strong mother-child relationships in a world that can sometimes be hopelessly lonely. I was so touched during a recent trip to the zoo, when I had the opportunity to witness one such relationship up close.
It wasn't a mother attentively walking her children around, explaining to them the habitats and behaviors of the different species. I was captivated by the palpable love of a mother ape and her child. In the arms of it's mother, that baby was safe and comforted. In that warm embrace, the baby knew that Momma would never let him down. The mother in turn, could never have been more content, for with her, she had her life source; the love of her child.