You Raise Me Up

I often marvel at how God talks to me.  For years, I have been learning how to listen to His voice.  Unfortunately, I tend to  need the thunderbolt moments to understand His messages even though many people seem to hear his voice in the most subtle of ways.  I do believe His voice is perfect, and I have heard everything I have needed to hear when I needed to hear it, yet I'm quite the imperfect human, and as such I fear I will miss the boat as it sails past.  Not so.

My Brca journey has been humbling and a little scary.  As much as I do not really like to admit it, the fear of the implications of my positive test results and impending surgeries have been overwhelming at times.  I am moving full speed ahead in the process because I truly do not want to subject my family to a cancer diagnosis.  This is something I feel very strongly about.  Alas, I am human, and often fragile, and sometimes a lost little girl wandering around a great, big scary place looking for shelter and comfort in the arms of her Father.

The good Father always keeps His promises.

I have been teaching at the same school for about 8 years.  The women there are like my sisters.  The families there are part of my family. Although, we know each other well, what most people do not know, is that in a past life I was a singer.  I was no where near the strongest, or most technical, but I studied with a voice coach for years and years and sang everywhere and all of the time.  It was a huge part of me that just simply did not carry on into my adult life.  (except in the shower)  However, perhaps on a dare, or maybe as a joke, my dear friend, Constance, suggested to the school director that I sing for graduation when she was looking for a soloist for the ceremony.  For some reason beyond my understanding, when my director asked me if I would be willing, I calmly shrugged my shoulders and said, "I guess so."

Having not sung publicly in over 10 years and lacking all manner of musical confidence, I began to prepare for my solo; You Raise Me Up.  In the midst of my journey through the Brca jungle, I suddenly found myself in a whole new realm of frightening.  Not only would I be vulnerable and potentially humiliated, but I would be so in front of people who I cared about deeply.

And then came His thunderbolt:

"When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be."

This was not simply about me helping my director out.  This was not a way to get my foot back in the music door.  This was how God chose to speak to me.  He told me all I needed to hear, and He made sure I heard it over and over again as I toiled away with the pianist.  In the shower, in the car, throughout the work day and as I cooked dinner I heard these words.

Today following my solo, I met with the plastic surgeon who will be recreating my breasts. Throughout the entire process, the part I have  feared most is reconstruction. Today, as the fear and anxiety began to permeate through me, I heard it again, " I am strong when I am on your shoulders..."
 Thank you, Father.